ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
