That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
accomplished twins. life is a go
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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