I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
