I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
