Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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