Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
