Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
