god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Randomize
