There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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