My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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