i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
