I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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