No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
