i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
