she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
