I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
