the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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