So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I came so hard my ears popped.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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