I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
