Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
