So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
