I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
