When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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