So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
thus making me awesome and them whores
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
