Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize