the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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