Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
