Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
But break dance skills will only take you so far
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
