Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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