cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
