how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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