This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Randomize
