So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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