I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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