we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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