I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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