I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
