Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
