Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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