Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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