I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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