Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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