Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
