does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
