Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
this is an emotional support booty call
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
