If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
