It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
