Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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