i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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