yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
