Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
