Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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