I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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