I feel great
I just peed on a car
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
