You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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