i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
