i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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