she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I need water and some morals
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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