after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
