dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
