The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
