I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
