yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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