you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
