farters have to be the big spoon...
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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