need another drink. this is the easiest way
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
