I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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