So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize